Annual Satire

Annual Satire

Disclaimer: Please read the definition above before proceeding!

I want to be a Boy

By Laura Angle

I want to be a boy so I can talk to as many girls as I want and not get labeled a slut, but I’ll get high-fived every time I break a girl’s heart after a fling she was convinced was going to be forever. I want to be a boy so I can dress with “swag,” like the Nike socks, Nike slippers, khaki shorts and a tank top so all the pretty girls can see my muscles and be super impressed with how hot I am, which I might add, is pretty damned hot.

I want to be a boy so I can make fun of my bros and like, it’s cool with them, not like girls who actually show emotion and like, talk about them. I want to be one of those popular boys so me and my bros can sit around and make penis and vagina jokes while the teacher is lecturing about like, poetry. We sit around and see who will yell “penis” the loudest, and it’s super funny. Girls wouldn’t get it though, because girls have no sense of humor. I want to rate girls’ butts when they walk by my table.

I want to be a boy because we don’t have to put forth any effort at all towards what we look like. We can just roll out of bed and rock the disheveled look that girls really dig. But girls can’t do that, it would just look trashy and then I wouldn’t want to talk to them. Like, this one girl I was texting wore sweats to school one day, and then I stopped texting her after that. I don’t want to date a girl that looks like that, I wouldn’t want to be embarrassed in front of my guys. I want to be a boy because it’s so easy to talk to girls. This one girl I was texting was so easy. She said “what’s up?” and I said “nothing, just talking to a pretty girl ;)” and then she said “oh, haha, okay. Well I’ll talk to you later!” It’s obvious she wants me. And like women are basically nannies, but you can have sex with them, and afterwards be like “Alright babe, now go make me a sandwhich.”

I want to be a boy because there’s always something to talk about, whether it be sports, or hittin’ up the gym, or kickin’ it with my bros. I want to be a boy so I always have something to do, like doing some sweet lifts or get “turnt” or play my guitar. I haven’t been playing so long so I’m a bit rusty. Anyways, here’s “Creep” by Radiohead.

 

I want to be a Girl

By Paolo Catapang 

After a grueling six months with my girlfriend, I began to realize something. I realised it’s so much easier being a girl! With all the perks and advantages, who wouldn’t want to be one?

I want to be a girl because every month I get a free pass. When my period comes, I can get out of anything – whether it be crying irrationally, or being a bitch because I can, no one can say anything to me. And if they do – since I’m hurting on the inside – it’s only rational that I take it out on them and everyone else. In addition, it means I don’t have to do anything because, being on my period, I’m incapacitated.

I want to be a girl because gossiping would be normal. If I don’t like something about my best friend, I could tell my sister, and if I don’t like something about my sister, I could tell my best friend. However I would never tell those things to their faces. Saying negative things to people bluntly is just plain mean.

I want to be a girl because I’ll always be right. There is nothing we don’t know. Even if it is seemingly wrong, it will be correct because, well, I said so.

Also, if I become a girl, I can get a boyfriend who will tend to my every need. If I need him for anything at all, I expect him to drop whatever he’s doing and give all his attention to me. If not, it shouldn’t be surprising that I get mad. Then, when I get mad, I’ll expect him to know why. So when he asks me what’s wrong, and I tell him I’m fine, I expect him to know that I’m really not fine and that I’m mad. I mean there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m just expecting him to understand me.

Since he’s mine, I expect him not to be jealous when I hang out with my guy friends. Those are just my friends and he should understand that and have nothing to be jealous of. However, he can’t hang out with his girl friends. How can I know what they’re doing, or if he’s cheating on me? It’s only logical I shouldn’t let my boyfriend do that. You can’t trust a boy around a girl.

I want to be a girl because boys are stupid. Boys are just too dumb to understand  that when a girl says something, they mean the complete opposite.

Being a girl truly is the best. Everything just goes their way. Who wouldn’t want to be a girl?

 

I would really like to be a high school student

By Lyna Lee

I belong to that classification of people known as students. I am a student. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a teenager.

Not too long ago, while I was sitting at my desk staring at my blank document trying to pull out some clever idea out of my defunct machine (called the “brain”) to write my satire on, I figured why not write about something so familiar to me and something that I can identify with?

I want to be a student so I can cram my brain with information I may never apply in real life. I want to be a student so one day I can rewrite the dictionary and redefine the word “study” as (verb): the act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.

I want to be a student so I can go to a place we call school: Seven Cheerful Hours of Our Lives. I want to be a student so I can take back the naps I refused to take during preschool. I want to be a student so I can spend 30 years of my life attending school and  then work. And eventually die.

I want to be a student so I can Google every answer to my homework. I want to be a student so I can cry myself to sleep after failing an exam. I want to be a student who has the mindset of “I just need to make it through this week.” I want to be a student so I can walk around the halls feeling like a zombie. I want to be a student so when I don’t understand a concept I can confusingly say “I don’t even know what I don’t know.”

I want to be a student who smiles all day but actually hates all of those people deep down inside. I want to be a student so I can study information I’ll never use in the job I won’t have when I graduate. I want to be a student so I can have a teacher that will give me a 20 minute lecture about not wasting time. I want to be a student so that I can reach that point in the school year where even copying someone’s homework will be too much to handle.

I want to be a student so I can learn to run on three hours of sleep.  I want to be a student so I can look high at school with my bloodshot eyes. But no one knows if I’m really on drugs or just hadn’t any sleep. I want to be a student so I can become a prodigy at making up excuses on why I don’t have my homework, including (but not limited to)  “I didn’t have time,” “my cat ate my homework,” I didn’t feel like doing it,” and “we had homework?!”

I want to be a student so I can enjoy the torture of having to take all of my tests all in one day because coincidentally all of the teachers have plotted the test on the same day: Friday. I want to be a student so I can look forward to Fridays and say TGIF—Tell Grandma I Failed.

I want to be a student so I can spend all my money and get into debt, and then become a bum.

My God, who wouldn’t want to be a student?

 

A Model Proposal for Christian Theocracy

By Jacob Williams 

A Christian theocracy would solve a lot of problems, because it would be a government of God, and if there’s one indubitable fact of life, it is that God solves problems!

God is real because the Bible is true. And the Bible is true because it’s the word of God. Don’t question God’s undeniable logic. Blasphemers will not inherit the kingdom of God.

In a Christian theocracy, we could bypass all the debates caused by that annoying Constitution. Separation of Church and State; bah! Romans 13:1-2: “Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.” You don’t want to go to hell, do you?

A Christian theocracy would give us all the authority to do what’s right and strip gays of their citizenship. Then we’ll be able to take the advice of that North Carolina Pastor Sean Harris and put the gays in concentration camps until they die out. That’ll lessen the number of gays among us. Trust God; it’ll work. Everybody knows being gay is a choice and that gays have to recruit. If they’re not out in the open, they can’t recruit and therefore the number of sinners will decrease. Problem solved.

In a proper Christian theocracy, schools will be able to get rid of those pesky myths about evolution. Teachers will finally get a chance to teach real science like creationism. Everybody knows that the world is flat, 8,000 years old, and created by God. Students will be able to learn that before there was any life at all, God in all his perfect wisdom picked up some dust and made a man to tend the Earth. But God forgot to make woman, so he ripped a rib out of Adam’s chest. We know this because the prophets were there to witness it and write it down. Read the Bible; it’s all in there!

In a Christian theocracy, the rules of the Bible can finally be enforced. And I mean the really important rules, like God’s commandments not to shave, eat bacon, or wear mixed-fiber clothing. And we could put to rest all this Harry Potter rubbish about the occult. TV shows like “Once Upon a Time” and “Game of Thrones” would be censored and America’s unhealthy infatuation with sorcery would be replaced with prayer. Read the Bible; Jesus didn’t have magic powers!

Most importantly, a Christian theocracy will get rid of all the useless debate in Congress and repeal the separation of Church and State. Then, all dissenters can be silenced.

Besides, only Christians make any real contributions to the world. Facebook turns good Christians into zombies; nobody knows what Jeet Kune Do is; rock and roll made so many Satanists out of some really good kids; A Farewell to Arms is boring; sex is sin, period; people get too fanatical about Harry Potter; Family Guy is the most sinful show ever created; and homosexuals will burn in hell.

We should all strive to be like the greatest Christian who ever lived, Jesus Christ!

 

I absolutely love being Asian

By Anthony Nguyen 

In today’s society, being part of a race or ethnicity automatically makes you subject to every single stereotype associated with it. However, that’s the thing. When a child is born, he or she cannot willingly choose what race or ethnicity they belong to. People are stuck with genetic and physical characteristics that will be with them for the rest of their lives, and many people loathe this fact. But that’s not true for everybody! It’s nice not having to decide your own future. I love being Asian!

I love being Asian because I always feel a sense of conformity when I look exactly like 4.3 billion other Asians. I always feel at home in school because it’s like I have two thousand fraternal twins with me at all times. If I ever feel lonely, I can just stand by a wall to fit in. Asians save so much money on food beause all we ever eat is chow mein or our neighbor’s annoying dog.

Because my eyes are so small, I don’t need sunglasses to protect me; I see the world in widescreen.

Asians are also the best parents in the world. Every conversation with my parents becomes a life lesson. They always keep me on track of my education. Everyday conversation always includes “have you studied yet? or “why you no studying?” Asians also have brains that function as calculators. Asian parents have such high academic expectations of their children. In Asian terms, an “A” is average, “B” is bad, “C” means crap, “D” means disowned, and “F” means absolutely f*****. Asian parents will always compare their children to other children to keep egos in check. I love having Asian parents because they’ve already set my life plan for me – to become a doctor. In order to do so, I’ll have to learn an instrument to the point where I play like a protege.

If I ever get into a fight, everybody assumes I know kung fu and my hair will turn blonde as I go into Super Saiyan mode. I can also use the secret Asian power known as tiger-balm for everything, whether it be a cold, sore throat, runny nose, stomach flu, spontaneous bleeding, or an amputated body part.

Asians can always understand each other, because we all communicate by yelling and are all expected to talk in our native language. If an Asian doesn’t know his or her native language, they can spend every weekend at an Asian language school.

I love being Asian because other than being able to sing karaoke in my native language, I’m apparently a master at mah-jjong and every other Asian board game. I love being Asian because as a kid, I wasn’t taught how to play Go-Fish or Candyland, I was taught how to gamble.

My Buddha, who wouldn’t want to be Asian.

 

Pennies for your Thotties

By Stephanie Lao 

There is a certain group of people who desperately need our help. A group who face a lack of fundamental clothing. A group of dehydrated individuals whose thirst cannot be contained. My name is Thoteisha and I implore you to donate to our charity: Pennies for Your Thotties.

Pennies for Your Thotties is a charity to help dependent thotties. What is a “thot?” A thot (plural thotties), an acronym for “that hoe over there,” is usually a female desperate for attention and acts in a provocative manner. Each day, many thotties are unable to survive because they have certain needs that aren’t met. Whether it be instagram likes, retweets, or revines, thotties need help in achieving sufficient amounts of each every day.

Thotties are always “thirsty” for attention, which is why the charity does its best to help them set up thirst traps. Usually, a thot will post a bathroom mirror-selfie that is revealing, or sit on a sink counter to create the illusion of a lifted booty. If the attention received does not satisfy the thot, the thot will follow up with a video probably lip synching to a seductive song, or twerking to ratchet beats. The charity home offers free classes for thotties who need to be trained to set up better thirst traps to quench their thirst.

The charity also provides plentiful amounts of water for the thirsty thotties. The thirst is real, and as we all well know, a thot needs to be rehydrated, and the best way to do so is to hose them down. The charity also serves food such as thot dogs, tater thots, and thotermelon.

The poor thots can’t afford the other half of their shirt. How do they expect to protect that babybump if they can’t afford to cover it with an article of clothing? That belly ring isn’t going to suffice as protection for the child. Donations to Pennies for Your Thotties ensure full length shirts.

The founders of this charity are currently raising money to provide all thotties with Space Jam 11s. Co-founder of this charity, Mily Cyrus, said in an interview, “many thotties aren’t getting the love they deserve. Some thotties are lucky enough to make it to the big screen doing what they do best, leaving other thotties in the dust needing extra help, which is why our charity does its best to help thotties get back up with J’s on their feet.”

Your money is going to a worthy cause. Most thotties are side-baes who don’t have a commited man to cop them the freshest pair of J’s or the most trop pair of animal print leggings. Your help is appreciated. Remember, it’s the thot that counts.

 

I want to be a swagipino

By James Luyun

It was a lovely morning, and I got up and went downstairs to eat my instant pancit canton. Actually, life is prety lame because I am Filipino. Why is being Filipino so lame? I’m just a regular Filipino. I started my walk to school and a guy yelled “move!” and instantly a guy on a fixie rode past me. Who was that guy? Then it hit me, after seeing the Filipino jacket and obey snapback that he was wearing, he was a Swagipino.

Swagipinos are a whole different breed of Filipinos. A faster breed. A smarter breed. A breed that is rapidly growing. A breed that is greater than all the Filipinos combined. Their abundance of swag and pride overflows from their being, from their soul. That is why I want to be a Swagipino.

Swagipinos are so talented, they can literally play all the musical instruments ranging from guitar, to ukulele, to piano, to– well that’s about it! But apparently, those are the only important instruments. Additionally, they sing very well. I mean, it is unparallel. It is so great that they have to sing whenever possible The best conbination is when they bring their ukulele or guitar to school and play while they sing. Swagipinos can also dance and make their own choreographies! After teaching other Swagipinos, they will post ten seconds of dancing on social media. Everyone loves those videos, and I want people to love me too! But when they’re not singing, or dancing, or doing other swagful things, Swagipinos ball up. Swagipinos always play basketball with their homies whether it be at the park or in front of my house.

Swagipinos have such a vast vocabulary. Intelligent phrases like swag, yolo, you mad? or nah? bish wha? dash meee, yaaaaaas, bruh those shoes are wet! you schleep! huaaah! and many more. Swagipinos also have a sense of conformity. They all seem to know one another, calling everybody kuya, ate, and ading. I want to belong too!

Swagipinos probably have the best sense of style. Swagipinos wear the same clothing as one another; however, they’re all unique because one has Jordan foamposites while another has Jordan galazy foamposites for example.

Their clothes are all complemented with the greatest piece of clothing of all time: the Filipino jacket, or in summer, the Filipino shirt. I mean it just shows the pride a Swagipino has for his country. I just love seeing their pride.

Swagipinos are the greatest at almost everything. They truly are better than regular Filipinos. Who wouldn’t want to be a Swagipino?