Dear Diary – 18 August, 2014


Laura Angle, Blogger

Dear Diary,

It’s strange how days can go by without holding any significant meaning, and then other days hold such meaning that your world is turned upside-down. This is true for me about April 3, 2014, the day I found out I was pregnant.

I remember it very clearly. I remember thinking that my missed menstrual cycle was due to the bladder issues I was dealing with and the heavy medication the doctors had put me on, so Andrew, my boyfriend, and I weren’t worried. More accurately, we denied it and shoved the thought away. We shoved the thought away because I was told I couldn’t have children. Oh, were those doctors wrong.

Like many moms, my mom is peculiarly perceptive. On the morning of April 3, 2014, she bought a pregnancy test for me to take before school. After I took the test, my mom and I stared anxiously at the little white stick as two pink lines appeared.

We didn’t say a word to each until we were halfway to school. “Do you know what this means?” she asked. I said I did. We scheduled an appointment at Kaiser for after school that day.

My mom didn’t yell at me, but she was disappointed in me, which I have always thought to be worse. I sat in the hallway and repeated “I’m sorry” until the words morphed into unintelligible blubbering.

As soon as I saw my friends at school, I started crying because I knew the decision I had to make. Everything that day seemed to pass in a daze, like I was there physically but not mentally. All I could think was, “my child is inside me right now in this moment.” I became overly aware of every movement my body made, careful not to jostle the tiny fetus I knew was growing inside me.

After telling my friends, I heard a variety of reactions from them, ranging from happiness and worry, to anger and disappointment. “You’re throwing your life down the drain,” one said.

To read more of Laura’s diary, wait for the Bruin Voice’s first edition on September 12th.