Satire: Deport Them All!

Aidan Backus, Editor-in-Chief

In the wakes of the ISIS-inspired attacks on San Bernadino and Paris, many politicians have proposed to close America’s borders to Muslims, or at least refuse to admit refugees.  Though supporters of Barack Obama’s foreign policy claim that they can impose stricter background checks on persons entering the United States to ensure that they are not terrorists, few actually believe that those background checks will accomplish much.

Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, and their allies are absolutely correct: our country is under attack and barring Muslims from entering the country would reduce the level of violent crime in the country.  However, their proposal is not far-reaching enough, and neither is their plan to deport millions of illegal Mexicans.  There is a much greater menace that has permeated this great nation, one which poses a direct threat to lawful, respectable Americans.

In 2012, the FBI and Department of Justice estimated that per 100,000 of this constituency of chaotic-evil scum, 387 violent crimes and 2,860 property crimes were committed.  White-collar crimes and drug abuse are also rampant in this demographic, and they are imprisoned at a higher rate than any other population in the world — and before one is tempted to blame Obama, these numbers have actually been going down since they peaked in the 1990s.

For comparison, consider that fewer than twelve million Muslims live in the US, and while they are part of the aforementioned demographic, they are scarcely worse than them.  Fearmongers often argue that Muslims are a threat to this country because they engage in terrorist attacks in the name of jihad, but this is an absurd claim.  Including 9/11, 3,018 Americans have been killed in jihadi terror attacks since 2000.  This means a mere 25 deaths per 100,000 Muslims since 2000, or less than two per year.  Adding this to the 387 other violent deaths, we can predict 389 violent deaths per year per 100,000 Muslims, only .5 percent more than any other portion of the demographic discussed above.  Statistics are similar for the “Mexican rapists” of Trumpian speechcraft.

That strife-torn demographic described above is the American people.  Yes, these threats to Western civilization sow discord and destruction wherever they go.  They murder each other at astonishing rates (and this isn’t even counting the number of deaths caused by poor driving!), but not only that, they bomb foreign nations on shaky evidence and pollute our atmosphere at a greater rate than any other country bar China.  They callously accept the deaths of children as collateral damage, retribution, or just the inevitable result of mental illness.  Even worse, some of them enjoy the Star Wars prequels and reality TV.  They simply have no culture.

So while the proposal to ban Muslims (or Mexicans) from the United States is solid, it is simply not enough.  To make our country great again, we must deport all the Americans and close our borders to them.  This will be done without regard to ethnicity or religion, as Christians and whites are just as dangerous as blacks, atheists, Muslims, and Mexicans.

Only then will we be safe.