If I were a fictional character, I’d be Hamlet.

David Hancock, Staff Writer

If I were a fictional character, I’d be Hamlet.

I’m not saying I’d want to be Hamlet. If I could be any fictional character I’d pick someone cooler like Spider-Man or Luke Skywalker or something fantastic like that, but that’s not realistic. I’m more like Hamlet than any other fictional character ever, which sucks because that means I’m a whiny, emotional, and possibly insane angsty teenager.

Like me, Hamlet is super indecisive. He still hesitates to avenge his father even after his father’s ghost literally tells him to kill his uncle and he makes this whole elaborate plan to prove that his uncle is actually guilty. He KNOWS, and he still does NOTHING! Hamlet, of course, eventually does act, but his inability to act in the first place results in six more deaths including his own. Hamlet thinks way too much about stuff and ends up doing nothing about it until it’s too late, and then making a rash decision because he acts on emotion even though he spent so much time going over things logically in his head. #me

Hamlet’s also kinda stupid. I mean, he had this whole plan set in motion on how to kill his uncle all stealthily, but he ends up just stabbing him in front of the whole kingdom. He also does this whole thing where he pretends to be insane for no reason whatsoever, besides the fact that he can get away with calling Polonius a fishmonger. He’s also stupid because he treats Ophelia like trash while he claims to love her, but really he kinda abandoned her after he killed her father, so she kinda needed someone to be there for her and we wasn’t. He could’ve just been honest with everyone and probably resolved the story without so much complication, but then it would’ve been lame because people of the Victorian age were opposed to happy endings and instead preferred ones where everyone dies.

Hamlet’s super dramatic, almost as much as me. He has a ton of really depressing soliloquies that question the meaning of life and the morality of man and the morality of revenge. They’d sound great as a Green Day album. If Hamlet were alive today he’d be an angsty teenager who uses humor to hide his feelings and then goes home and writes angrily in a blog while listening to sad music, so me.

Hamlet has some good character traits though. I mean, he’s freakin hilarious. My hands down favorite moment in all of literature if when Hamlet completely roasts both his mom and his ex in the most aggressively passive-aggressive comment ever. His mom says the play that Hamlet wrote (which was history’s first subtweet) was pretty short, so then Hamlet responds by looking at her and Ophelia and saying, “Just like a woman’s love.” When that line was read in class I dabbed a couple times, fell out of my chair, and then took a lap around the class screaming. It was the greatest burn in history.

The best thing about Hamlet, and about me, actually has nothing to do with us. Hamlet, through all his stupid dramatics, maintains an amazing friendship with his homie Horatio. They’re bros till the end, and as Hamlet dies in Horatio’s arms the reader is left with the only redeeming part of Hamlet’s character, he loves his best friend. No, not in a romantic way, as some theorize about Hamlet. Hamlet’s and Horatio’s love is greater than romance, it’s unconditional love for someone you respect and admire so much. It’s not something bodily, it’s emotional, it’s spiritual. A friendship like that is more valuable than romance, and I’m lucky enough to have a couple of Horatios in my life. Ride or dies, friends till the end, bffs. So, to all my awesome friends out there, thank you for being the comforting voice of reason to me emotional breakdowns.

In conclusion, I’m Hamlet. I’m an emotional wreck, I don’t have the slightest control over my life, and I have the best friends anyone can ask for.