Many lessons learned from first love relationship

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Anonymous

When I was crying more than smiling in my relationship, I knew it was time to end it. I met my ex-boyfriend sophomore year in the library. We barely talked and I had his phone number for about three weeks before we started dating. It was pretty quick how we gotten together. To be honest, I didn’t want to date him because I’d never been in a relationship and had commitment issues. My best friend convinced me otherwise. Since it was my first relationship, everything was new and exciting, but I was super insecure and needed a lot of reassurance.

I was often petty or acting up to get him to reassure me that he liked me or that everything was going great. Social media influenced me pretty hard with how I thought I was supposed to act and my mom had these expectations because of the way my dad courted her. I wanted the picture perfect relationship so badly that it ended in our downfall.

The first five months of our relationship was filled with happiness and honestly it was a blast. Even though we got in trouble with our parents and were caught doing stuff we weren’t supposed to, I was certainly head over heels for him. I really thought we were going to be together forever, because I never thought it would be so easy for him to leave me in the end.

At about six months, our disagreements took a turn for the worse. We had a huge fight before he left to New York for fall break because I couldn’t keep my pettiness under control. Well, we always had bad communication because I didn’t mean to have fights to begin with. I just wanted to get my feelings out and he took it the wrong way.

He ended up leaving for New York, still angry with me, and I was left back in California trying to figure out ways to have him forgive me. When he was gone, I tried to have conversations with him to just check up on him and to see how New York was going. He wouldn’t reply. He would reply to his friends and I would go hours until I heard a reply from him. I was hurt.

Fast forward a couple of days into his trip. He decided to grace me with a text. It was the standard I miss you and I want to talk to you. I was so happy because it felt like everything was fixing itself. We would Facetime when he got back to his hotel and just talk about everything and more. He would even send me snapchats of items from gift shops that he wanted to get me. I clearly remember one was a wedding ring key chain that had New York on it in diamonds. It gave me hope that we were going to get past this.

Little did I know that this period was the calm before the storm. Around seven months, we got into a disagreement that broke the camel’s back. I was upset about him spending time with his friends; usually I was chill about him spending time with them. It’s just the fact we hadn’t had a weekend date in forever. I was upset since I wanted to spend time with him. After letting him know how I felt, he took it as another argument.

As soon as I saw that he was very upset, I tried to dismiss the issue saying it wasn’t a big deal anymore and I was over it. He wasn’t having it. He began not talking to me as much; instead, he would talk to his friends. When he did talk to me, it was to be condescending and often to put me down. He would call me names or say that I was annoying or dumb. I was utterly shattered. He told me in the middle of December to give him until the end of January to decide if he wanted to be with me or not.

I would often cry myself to sleep, thinking I wasn’t enough. I used to think I was the one who messed up everything. He kept pushing me to the side and truthfully he didn’t care if I came back or not. He was already gone, and was already detaching himself from me.

I finally was pushed to my limit on our eighth month. We had swing club practice and it was important that we showed up because we needed to learn the choreography. He had Vietnamese club the same day, so we decided to have him split up his time. He finally showed up around 3:15 — 15 minutes later than he was supposed to.

I was irritated when he finally walked in and he just looked at me like I was the one who was late. As we got into a row to finally join the practice; I was so angry that I kept questioning why he was late and how he was supposed to be there earlier and how we really needed to learn this choreography. My irritation rubbed onto him cause he yelled at me and said I needed to shut up and stop being so annoying as bleep. I was already hurt and those words knocked me down a peg. I started to tear up and I told him we needed to talk right after practice was over.

When we were walking to his car, I gave him an ultimatum: either we fix everything or we end it all. I really hoped he would see how hard I was trying and that he choose to fix everything. He didn’t. So we decided to break up because I couldn’t take being pushed to the side, being called names, and feeling like an annoyance anymore while he just didn’t see a future with me anymore.

I was devastated. I wasted so much time and effort trying to fix something that wasn’t fixable. I cried so much for this boy that I felt as my tear ducts were dried up. He had me constantly feeling worthless. But it was also my fault for giving him that power to control me. The break up made me not want to go through anything like that again. I know it’s hard to leave someone you love, but in the end you’ve got to do it for yourself, especially if it’s breaking you down.

I’ve learned so much from this first relationship. I know what I want and what I am worth for my next relationship. I learned never to sacrifice my happiness for someone else’s. I learned I can’t force someone to love me back despite doing so much for him and I can’t fix something that doesn’t want to be repaired. It also helped show me when it is time to let go.

To have a healthy relationship, you are going to have to communicate. You are going to have to talk about things that are uncomfortable even if you don’t agree. You need to be reassuring when the time is needed; don’t beg for it. Couples also need to stop letting social media idealized the idea of being petty. It doesn’t help anyone. Also, don’t resort to saying things that can’t be taken back.

My exes’ insults that he slinged at me still stick to me today. I am so still insecure about certain things that it clouds my potential for other relationships. I often look back on it and wonder why I ever let myself go through the emotional turmoil. I should’ve known better, but love really blinds you. It’s okay to realize you’re in a toxic relationship; it’s just you what you do next to move on that’s important. It’s okay to choose yourself for once.