Dear Santa Letter

Brianna Banola, Student

Dear Santa,

First off, Mr. Santa, why do you keep signing off the tags on my presents with “Love you, Mom and Dad.” Likeee…bro, I’m not stupid; I know you the real one. Also, you should be very cautious of losing your identity. Every year, I see these red, fake-bellied bozos at the mall who seem to be having a jolly good time making money off of naive children. However, don’t fret your rudolphs off. Fortunately for you, I am not a naive child; I see what you are trying to do. Clearly, these bozos are your way of checking which children are on the naughty or nice list, and I totally understand. Of course, you could’ve fooled me if it weren’t for that one Filipino Santa Claus I saw standing outside of that fishy Asian supermarket. He sure did bring the merry in Christmas with all the rice he was surrounded by. Anyways, I’m just going to expose myself right now and let you know that this letter has a purpose. I, like most others, want something for Christmas. Now, you may have thought that that sounded entirely selfish, and I would have thought that you would’ve been entirely correct. One thing about myself is that I am lactose intolerant—which means I do not deal with cheesiness—, so I am not going to say all I want for Christmas is you or happiness or for all the poverty in the world to be diminished. I simply want the most absolutely reasonable gifts. This includes a dicorn (two-horned unicorn), a pug with a glittery beard, a violet Ferrari (please don’t get me a toy Ferrari again), a Mcdonald’s gift card worth one hundred thousand dollars, aaand Spotify Premium. Simple as that. 🙂 Oh, how rude of myself to not have introductions. Mister magic cookiemonster with dwarf slaves, I am a teenager currently procrastinating on life.

Until next year,

Brianna <3