Dear Santa

Kaitlyn Son, Student

I know I do not deserve much of anything, and I know I haven’t been the kindest person in the world but, I would like for you to fulfill my wishes just this once.  For Christmas this year, I would like to finally love all of me, I would like to know who I am, and I would like to know my place in this big world we live in.

Even though loving yourself is supposed to be a journey and process I should go through on my own, I don’t want to experience it.  I want to know how it feels to love myself for who I am.  To be honest, I think that would be the best thing for me right now because lately, I have been a wreck.  Everytime I look into a mirror, I start to bawl like a baby because I am not satisfied with what I see.  My appearance has always been something that bothered me and the media doesn’t help me become unbothered by it.  

When I see an image of someone beautiful, I start to think about the things I want to change about myself to make me as beautiful as the person I see online.  I unknowingly tell myself things like “You wouldn’t be such an eyesore if you had a slimmer face and actual cheekbones” and “Stop binge eating, your stomach is going to bulge out even more.”  I hate that I do this to myself and I wish I knew how to stop. People don’t mean to but, they comment on my appearance and make me feel so soft.  They make me wanna roll up into a ball and cry because of the things they say. One time, a friend of mine said my nose looked like a volcano, and even though he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, I felt so sad and embarrassed by his words.  My stomach felt queasy and I was tingling inside.  It’s been something that was commented on since I was a child. “Your nose looks like a potato. Its an upside down three! Oh my gosh.”  Those words put together have affected my esteem greatly.  I want to love every part of my body including its flaws.  I hope that one day, I’ll learn to not compare myself with other people.

Santa, I am really clueless and my grades actually show how clueless of a person I am.  My sister once told me that your grades don’t determine your worth or intelligence but I feel like they actually do.  They’re a label that are currently branding me as stupid and I don’t know how to not believe that.  If my grades are who I am, then I am basic.  Stuck in the middle.  Just one of those students there.  Is that who I really am?  Is there a chance that I am more than that?  All I ask of you is to tell me the answer to that.  The truth.

I am only sophomore in highschool but, I want to know where I’ll be in the future.  I want to know if I’ll make an impact on someone’s life.  I really hope I do.  I hope that I do have a purpose.  I often question myself about those types of things.  I wonder about purpose.  Someone once told me that purpose is an illusion that makes you believe you are worth something you are not.  Is that true?  Where do I really stand in this big world?

Mr. Claus, I apologize for being so all over the place with this letter.  I am not a spontaneous writer and I don’t plan on being one.  I just want to know the answers to the questions I asked here.  I hope I was good enough of a person to receive a response from you.  Have a jolly Christmas.

Until next time,

Kaitlyn Son

P.S. I believe that my dear friend Kalina has been struggling with loving who she already is also.  She never accepts compliments people give her and she always calls herself ugly.  I wish that you can open her eyes so she can she what an amazing and beautiful person she is to me.  Her soul is so kind and precious, it’s the least she deserves.