10 reasons why ‘white privilege’ doesn’t exist

Gabriella Backus, Editor

White privilege — the idea that, in the Western World, people who identify as white have a beneficial societal privilege that, due to institutional racism, undermines people of other races — has become a pillar of liberal thinking.  Critics claim that privilege is a thing of the past, because racial persecution is illegal and the chances for opportunity in America is — on the surface — equal.
As you all know, I am a mother very dedicated to the improvement of our great American nation. I only strive for the best for my children and all children, as they will inevitably shape our future. However, there has been something plaguing my mind, something I believe needs to be cleared up: white privilege. The libtards are back at it again, trying to infiltrate our precious children’s minds, and we can’t let them. Below, I have compiled a fail-safe 10 reasons why white privilege is a thing of the past.
1) Asians are 37% more likely to be accepted to an Ivy League college than their white counterparts (as noted in the breakthrough essay “Chinks Stealing College Spots,” by North Kansas Community College professor John White), and thus are held to a higher academic standard than whites. Minority privilege! Clearly, this shows how whites are not only at the same fundamental level as Asians, but we have sunk below them in some aspects!
2) Let’s talk about sports: White people always get made fun of for making it to the NBA and NFL leagues. In 2015, the NBA was comprised of 74% black people, and only 23% white people. We have been laughed out of playing the sports, and we have lost our confidence to play what sports we choose due to racial profiling. Not all of us play golf. Just because we wear a lot of polos doesn’t mean we play polo. #endthestereotypes
3) Since when did we start to call German, Irish, Swiss, and English mixed people just “white?” Excuse me. I’m more cultured than you, with your 99.9% Nigerian DNA. I’ll have you know that I’m a dignified 20% British, 15% Norwegian, 13% Italian, 5% German, and, just so you know I’m not fully European, my great-great-great-great grandfather was a full Cherokee Indian. I really understand his struggle.
4) White people do not have fundamental understandings of spices that people of other races have a history of using. Herbs?? Spices??! How the hell do I add these into my Paula Deen Gluten-Free Zesty Quinoa Salad if my ancestors never even used this stuff until they discovered the Middle East?
5) Black culture has begun to dominate popular culture, and, frankly, my people have become isolated, to the point where my gospel and country music has become completely obsolete. When did the times change? I want to go back to before I was persecuted for blasting Toby Keith at three p.m. on a Wednesday.
6) My children get made fun of for being white. All too often they come running home to me complaining that their non-white friends make fun of them, calling them “Pillsbury DoughBoy” and “crackerjack.”
7) Non-white people laugh at us because we “can’t dance.” Well, I think I’ll just cha-cha slide and do-si-do away from all those haters.
8) White people are always associated with the worst fashion trends. I think I’m going to call reverse racism here — black people get to wear the trendiest clothing, like durags and white tank tops. The Jews get a yamaka. And what do we get? Socks with sandals.  To make matters worse, whenever I try to pull off non-white trends, people call me out for “appropriating culture.” Okay… but just for the record, I was being super respectful with my Blac Chyna face makeup, dreads, and gold chainz for Halloween.
9) My son always complains that his Korean friends are beating him in online games. League of Legends, Overwatch, you name it. John Koon Kim, some kid in Korea, constantly taunts my baby, saying that his pasty fingers can’t keep up with the basic controls. And did you know – Koreans make up 30% of the gaming market with extremist gaming agencies, leaving no room for well-meaning entry-level white children.
10) I’m going to end with what should be the most obvious one: slavery is over, people! And it has been for 150+ years. At this point, we must face the truth — there’s no white privilege, only privilege of the successful.