Winning strategy to negotiate with Kim Jong Un: a mirror

Jasmin Prasad, Guest Writer

It has officially been announced that on June 12, 2018 the U.S. commander in cheeto will meet with Rocketman to discuss sustained denuclearization. Most presidents obtain their diplomatic achievements by speaking softly and carrying a big stick, however, leaks have indicated to us that none of his Chiefs of Staff could ever find the stick that can be grasped with those tiny hands of his. As a result, Trump’s medium of diplomacy has been Twitter. Just not with the 6 inch iphone 8 plus. Even the 4 inch iphone SE may be a little too long for him to stack up against, but Trump has indeed performed and risen to the occasion. All signs are pointing up for Trump’s efforts to erect the chaos that is the Korean Peninsula, for the world’s future is in his grasp.

As a result of Trump’s efforts, 18 House Republicans have officially nominated the President for a Nobel Peace Prize. Trump’s tweet tweet diplomacy has proven to be a high risk high reward approach to foreign policy. Trump may join the likes of Martin Luther King Jr., Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu as a recipient of the prestigious Nobel Prize for Peace.

A notable effect of Trump’s impact is North Korea’s release of three American hostages that Trump has worked vigorously to get released. Perhaps John McCain can be rest assured that Trump has developed a soft spot for people that were captured. In all seriousness, the release of these victims is no laughing matter as they finally get to escape a terrible authoritarian regime and return home to a country run by Vladimir Putin’s “bitch.”

Speaking of Putin, the Russian federation has been oddly quiet about these diplomatic breakthroughs which is odd. I guess the Russians really only comment on fake news. Nonetheless, Putin can only be happy about all of this. As a fake president, winning a rigged election, he can only be happy about his bitch interacting with the only fat kid in North Korea – as everyone else in North Korea is starving.

With that in mind, how can we ignore the man of the hour? Or should I say the Astro-boy, the Rocketman, or as he’s known in China, the “fatty on the train.” Kim Jong Un is likely the most insecure leader to ever occupy head the “Workers Party of Korea.” So insecure, that he is an individual who felt the need to kill his own brother to hold onto power. He has also committed to denuclearize because of a bunch of mean tweets from a “mentally deranged dotard.”

That’s not to say that Kim Jong Un hasn’t tried to punch back; in fact, in a recent tweet, Trump was left questioning, “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat?’ Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend — and maybe someday that will happen!” Given Trump’s own deficiencies in certain areas, it’s not a surprise that these two men clash over the issue of SIZE. When Kim Jong Un postured against Trump by pointing that he has a button, Trump tweeted in response, “I too have a button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!” Of course, we know Trump is bluffing: his button is likely neither big, nor functional— after all, it needs to be small enough to be grasped in his tiny hands. And with regards to functional, Melania’s daily mood tells us all we need to know. Or should we just ask Stormy Daniels? His ex-wife Ivana? Or maybe we can ask Trump’s greatest creation, someone whom he describes as a “piece of ass,” Ivanka Trump.

Trump may not be a typical president, but his unorthodox methods have produced results. He is a president that has adopted a loud bark to compensate for a small stick. The irony behind all of this is that to understand the man that he is negotiating with, Trump need only to look into a mirror.