Let’s arm all our teachers — even Mr. Nincompoop

Karina, Fardmanesh

“Welcome to Anatommy class! Get it? Get it? Ana…tommy gun?”

It is Tuesday morning and my teacher is being ridiculously annoying. He has not stopped with the gun puns. Like are you kidding me? Yesterday he whipped out his Glock, put it to Larry’s forehead, and whispered, “If I shoot you in the eye I might just give you glock coma,” and then proceeded to laugh hysterically while whipping the gun around wildly. Ever since Donald Duck passed that May Save Dumb High School Pubescents Safety Act, Mr. Nincompoop has been on a roll with gun puns and anything associated with guns.

Mr. Nincompoop soon developed this idea that he is capable of being the newest superhero able to wield all types of weapons. He went as far as to contact Martin Goodman to see if he could be transformed into the newest Marvel creation: The Terrifying Omnipotent All Weapon Yielder. Not surprisingly he did not receive a reply. Nevertheless Mr.Nincompoop continued to demonstrate his skills in hopes of making Mr.Duck proud of deciding to equip sane teachers with weapons… as if Mr. Nincompoop is even remotely sane. He is a 4 ft-11 in, underweight, white yet slightly jaundiced individual with large bulbous eyes, thin papery lips, and who has a walk that seems to resemble a duck with a stick up its behind. He is an armed Gollum with ceaseless anxiety.

While doing a balloon experiment in which we had to inflate balloons with different types of gasses, my idiot partner Larry inflated a balloon with a little too much air that it exploded with a loud “BANG!” that resembled a gunshot. Out from under his desk, like a flash of lightning, came Mr. Nincompoop glock in hand aimed at Larry with a deadly look in his eyes. He crawled under the first desk, slivered through Sarah’s unshaven legs, leaped over the third desk, and came to a stop in front of Larry after somersaulting over Felipe. In a swift motion Mr. Nincompoop pinned Larry down. Larry struggled to wrench himself free. Mr. Nincompoop quickly fired his glock into Larry’s skull and out splattered the bloody mess. The students gasped.

“That my fellow students is the dura mater, corpus callosum, and medulla oblongata on the left wall. Glockamole what a big mess! At least we are safe, amirifle?”