Dear Santa: help me defeat Covid


Gabriella Backus

Illustration by Gabriella Backus

Merit Onyekwere

Dear Santa,

I’m sure at this point you know how much COVID has ruined everyone’s lives, so I won’t restate the painfully obvious. You know about the tropical vacations, senior year internships, sentimental high school events, and memories that were ruthlessly robbed from us law abiding Americans by a vindictive little virus-monster that felt the need to remind us all of how terrible we are at following instructions. Can you believe it still hasn’t left us alone? Like, wow, grow up already.

Anyways, Santa, I know that you are a man of morals and integrity; you would never stand idly by as millions of people suffer in anxiety and isolation because of one common denominator. It must break your heart to know that while you and Mrs. Claus are gallivanting around the North Pole, there are families across the nation dealing with housing insecurity, job loss, and the loss of their loved ones.

So, Santa, all I’m asking you for Christmas is to beat COVID to a pulp so everyone can enjoy 2021. I know this is the perfect gift because it is cost effective, specific, and will benefit the entire world. In a way, you can consider this my 100 hours of community service and look at it as your special way of making me a competitive college candidate.

Think about it, Santa: your burly, 260 pound figure is practically made for clobbering viruses. And you have centuries of practice sliding your way down people’s chimneys. Maybe you can stage a home invasion, find COVID in its bedroom and let your fists do the talking. How big can COVID be, anyway? 90 nanometers? There’s no way you can lose.

Every way I think about it, the situation is a win-win. The entire world gets to see our archnemesis be brutally destroyed, while you get a massive boost to your ego and become the masculine macho man who saves the future of 2021. I know you want to flaunt your testosterone.

Just think about it, Santa. I’m not asking you to make any rash decisions, but rather to consider what a better place the world would be if you were to do me this small favor.

But, if you’re too much of a coward to follow through with my request, I’d also be okay with getting a set of aromatherapy oils—something to relieve my stress during the rest of this perennial pandemic.

Thank you and Merry Christmas,

Merit Onyekwere