This Is Embarrassing

Graphic+by+Amara+Del+Prato

Graphic by Amara Del Prato

Benjamin Tran

Welcome to another completely normal quarter at Bear Creek High School, where absolutely nothing is wrong in the world.  Well, except for the fact that we’re still in a pandemic, but forget about that rubbish because, more importantly, learning is fun. Now then, please feel free to explore our immaculate in-person learning system that is new and improved and has in no way produced any issues with students or staff. 

Here at Bear Creek, we prioritize safety and security to ensure a quality learning experience that continues to adhere to safety guidelines. Before entering the campus, make sure to check your emails and fill out the required daily symptom check that no one completes.  As you enter the gates of our school, you’ll find our dedicated campus supervisors that will thoroughly check ID cards with a quick glance.  And don’t worry, if you don’t have an ID, you can just use last year’s ID or a gift card — they won’t notice a difference. 

Our teachers also care greatly for student safety and do their best in maintaining social distancing and sanitization within their classrooms brimming with students. Speaking of which, please accept a complementary desk shield that the district purchased and provided to all schools to create a physical barrier between you and other students — but you may leave it on the floor as shown by a majority of the student population.  

You may notice the infamous hallways of our school are packed full of eager students wanting to learn and go to classes; that’s because they’re just as crowded as any other year.  As a matter of fact, students feel so comfortable on our campus now that eight fights have already broken out within two weeks. 

Now that’s some Bruin spirit. 

If you’re ever feeling a bit peckish, you can grab a bite to eat as we now offer free meals in our cafeteria.  No need to worry about finding a seat because in addition to our highly regarded chained trash cans, we have added numerous tables in the quad (each with a maximum capacity of 5 people).  Even with these many tables, students are still filling up the space around the table, on top of the table, underneath the table — so surely you’ll find a place to eat. 

Unlike previous years where the bathrooms were a collective of dice rolling and vaping, we have placed our prestigious campus supervisors outside each door to ensure only three students are able to enter at a time to gamble and smoke  — sometimes.  As mentioned before, our amazing campus supervisors are so dedicated to their job and friendly to students that they even pull down their masks so students can hear them.  Now then, let’s not talk about them further as you don’t need a pandemic to write about the campus supervisors, they’re already a joke.

Wait a moment, do you hear that?  No, not the complaints from students about wearing masks.  Not the blaring of the frequently pulled fire alarm, which would signal a perfectly social-distanced, COVID-friendly evacuation of the entire campus (which has happened 6 times since the writing of the article).  Not the complaints of anti-vax teachers either. It’s the dreaded click-click-click from the shoes of our principal who quite kindly sends everyone emails about what precautions the school might or might not take.  But of course the school will make sure to wait until the very last minute to notify anyone, including its own staff.  

Anyway, why don’t you go on and explore the rest of our beautiful campus full of well-behaved students and inviting police cars so you can truly see the type of quality learning experience we offer here at Bear Creek.

Go Bruins!

 

 

Contributors: Autumn Kong, Gavin Orsi, Alex Bussey