Dear Santa: Covid – the gift that just keeps giving

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Merit Onyekwere

Dear Santa,

In all honesty I’m disappointed in you and displeased with your lack of follow-through. Last year, I asked you to get rid of Covid by whatever means necessary. You were moderately successful in that task— I must admit— but now the world is in a strange pandemic purgatory because Covid’s rebellious and increasingly bloodthirsty children (Delta, Omicron, and who knows what else) are infecting people left and right. Sure, the quintessential 2020 lockdown is (hopefully) a relic of the past, but it now seems like every time the world takes one step forward, another one of Covid’s heirs violently shoves us three steps back. It’s honestly disgusting how Covid is still tormenting us all from its vaccine deathbed, orchestrating new outbreaks just to keep people on their toes. It’s still trying to prove to us that humans may, in fact, be the inferior species. Vengeance is a strange disease.

Anyway, Santa, I want to give you one last shot at being the hero of the world and the protector of modern liberty. All I want for Christmas is a surefire way to keep these new variants at bay and enjoy the rest of my senior year without a hitch. Do whatever it is you need to do to save the world from another 2 years of this war against The Virus™. Team up with scientists if you have to and use your financial resources (that I know are ample, because how else do you afford bringing every person in the world a gift on Christmas?) to make some things happen on the vaccine and antibodies front. I know this is a big ask, but, to be fair, you are a big man. I’m sure if you put your all into it, you can do it!

Once again, if all else fails, I’m open to receiving aromatherapy oil as a consolation gift. The ones from last year smelled delightful. I think the cooling citrus was my favorite.

Yours in anticipation,

Merit Onyekwere